First off, I don’t like rules or cages. Maybe someday, someone could gently take my hand and lead me to some guidelines though. My poems and writings tend to present themselves similarly in form, sound and voice. The thing I love to do most in my writing is to paint images; and in reading good writing, to hear and see the images. I strive to be succinct and sensory but sometimes ramble. The poems mostly give a snapshot of an event or problem and evoke emotions that I am feeling, or have felt. Maybe this is a curse, and maybe it is my therapy. I feel it is both. Perhaps I would do better not to relive some of these things. These addictions. Then I think that I am not all that different from other secret decaf coffee drinkers and tobacco free hooka pen smokers. I think maybe someone will relate to this thing, or even like the writing. At other times I wonder if I’m just crazy in it all.
IMPORTANCE OF SEPARATION
Somehow I would like to learn how to separate myself from the work, but I am not sure how to do this, or if I want to. I could create my own literary rule, and then agree to keep it, because I do need boundaries. A blog fits the form. I could also say this for teaching at times. I think I have gotten better in finding some balance in teaching in some ways, but in other ways not so much. As for doing opera with my students. I feel I need to be more honest…which might mean releasing more responsibility to them, and removing myself more. But this is not an easy thing to do, with “fidelity.” I feel a little too shelfish. I want to be part of it. Like parenting, it is a tricky act. Don’t know if this makes any sense. Maybe I should stop trying to find myself, and just be myself, and do my jobs. Or maybe I should just do my job….more teaching and less me….but with joy. Devon says I should be more like my teacher friend, Cheryl, but I can only be me.
PRODUCT VS PROCESS
I mostly feel okay with the written product, not so much with the teaching. I play the odds. Process means more to me than product. But in teaching, product is what administrators want to measure with a fine toothed comb, and parents like to browse while buying lottery tickets in Kingman. In writing, product becomes a living thing… I am alive again and again in the thing I have created. In teaching, product becomes an array of many different things. Sometimes it is distinctively “kid” and their best work, other times product feels like an inquisition, or eviction notice in my mind. I can not celebrate and revel in test scores as my Arizona friend does.
But process….through CREATION or the promise of creating something or teaching someone something that will spark a flame is glorious…kind of like conception….creating a child, or the next best thing for some parents…….recreating themselves in their child…like LIFE TOUCH. Why am I suddenly thinking of a parent from last school year? Now I am feeling not so different from this friend. Seeing it in a photo, on a canvas, on paper, or the computer screen gives it, her, me eternal life.
PUT DOWN THE DUCKY!
Also weird is this…..It’s difficult for me to read a finished piece without over-analyzing, and trying to rewrite it. Difficult to leave the poem alone. I would like to be able to do this better. Set boundaries. Find closure. Just stop it! In the words of Ernie on Sesame Street, ” I gotta put down the ducky…..gotta leave the duck alone.” Have you heard of mind dumping? It is something I was reminded of in my aura class last year when doing an eyes closed, don’t lift pen from paper exercise; and is found in Morning Pages in the Writers Way….because not everything written is really all that important, or meant to be read, published, or even saved……like this, for instance. I am sick of hearing myself as you probably are also….. but continue on. Feel free to leave at any time.
PLANNING VS WINGING IT IN WRITING
The writing, and the frequency of it cycles. I can go for ages without writing anything at all, and then at other times…..I can’t stop, can’t sleep, can’t eat…until I make myself sick with it…Amadeus like. It is almost like I’m in love with it…and I love when the Muse comes to me.
I will say it is IMPERATIVE that a writer writes. I have forsaken my gift for far too long. It is sooo very important that a writer make sacrifices, and take time every day to write or type down things… and must carry paper and pen, Iphone, tablet, whatever it takes to capture the impressions. Otherwise…..I don’t typically start out with a plan. Surprised? Maybe I should try this thing called PLANNING!
CREATION IS MY FAVORITE RECREATION & TAKES FLIGHT
Mostly I wing it. I begin with an open ended giant block of time. Summer is best, but learn to snatch and grab when and wherever possible. Like the last air bender, start with a feeling, start creating, and then much like adding water to watercolor paint, what I have in the beginning changes, becomes something new, vibrant, breathing, bleeding, and beautiful. Bob Ross-like. “Happy little cloud” like. I am washed away in a wash of …..more (and sometime less) than it was before, which feels really exciting….until I find myself in an alpha beta “state a mind.” It’s hard to explain, it is intoxicating and I become obsessed with sounds, word choice, word play and images.
To write is to love exquisitely.