Dear Sister Robertson, AKA, Sister Vancouver, AKA, Devon!
Hi, Sis! Happy Independence Day (USA).
SO my computer is working again. Independence! I had some issues, as I often do. Many of these problems are ones I create for myself and have to do with not completing timely updates, forgetting usernames and passwords or not trashing stuff.
You will be so proud of me,though, Devon. I found an Amazon gift card in my wallet. I carried it around four or five years, and today I finally used it on a book purchase. Wish it were a purchase for you. I do have a deluxe anniversary edition of Nancy Drew in the back of the car with my hammock and Electrolight water. I like opening the hatchback and seeing the book. Reminds me of you.
Perhaps the New Moon is responsible for action, cuz for some reason I have felt motivated today to do two things, 1. Register for a teacher training on August 11th to learn how to best address and help challenged children feel more successful. 2. Buy a couple books by Dr. Daniel Siegel, a brain and behavior guru, and author of a ton of books. He has a new one coming out in a week which I have preordered.
I have been thinking about Freedom and bondage, or rather, those habits we keep that prevent us from feeling good about ourselves. Outside influences are sometimes the cause, but mostly inner feeling and mind games play tricks on us. How does one achieve freedom from negative thought patterns and self destructive beliefs and behaviors? I find myself repeatedly swinging from high to low and self critical. I make the moves over and over again, and forget what I should have learned in occupying space at both poles in the pain of isolation and farce of self aggrandizement. Where is the level, middle space of peace and clarity. I am pretty sure I am on the Hormone Super Highway. I could settle for a friend and no more hot flashes.
In order to self preserve I MUST give myself permission to do things a little differently at times.
1. It’s okay to plan a day at a water park with Delanie and her friends and then at the last minute change my mind and not go IN myself. The park was packed, young body to body and I felt an onset of anxiety in simply gazing on it This constriction felt a lot like the new swimming suit I was wearing under shorts and a tank-top. I was becoming a sizzling summer sausage in an ever shrinking, tight skin. So I dropped off the girls and went on an adventure in Provo.
2. It’s okay to say “NO” to things. It really is. It’s more difficult to be said “NO” to…to be on the receiving end. But this is the law of Choice and Accountability. To love is to be vulnerable, to risk, and to suffer at times.
Moreover,When gifted chocolate chip cookies, (very thoughtful mind you), you don’t HAVE to eat them. Nor do you have to be a cheap labor work force. So I somewhat guiltily said “No” to roofing Grandma’s house. I’m okay with heights, just not with falling. Roofing is for the “Under thirties” I think. I prefer ground support, Major Tom!
3. It’s okay to just take a day off from kickboxing. BANG! POW! OW! RECOVER.
4. It’s okay to eat a JUMBO marshmallow, even if you aren’t making Jello salad, and especially if you are not part of a controlled group testing impulsivity and outcomes. I wonder what I would have done if I had been in that marshmallow control test as a four year old. Hm. I would have waited and created a game or strategy for waiting. If I took the test today…….I would have eaten the mallow.
5. It’s okay to go to a movie (like Finding Dori) by yourself…..and to NOT buy popcorn to eat…and to not make eye contact…or speak to anyone… AND to leave the movie early. I can only hack listening to a blue fish say “I can’t REMEMBER!” so many times. This nearly resonated metaphorically! until I began thinking about short term memory loss, and difficulty focusing and listening. It also got me thinking about Alzheimers, and dementia, and aging, and head injuries, and emotional trauma, and home life, and how it is sooo difficult for some people, including millions of “opportunity youth” in this country. It also got me thinking about perseverance, friendship, loyalty, and gratitude.
I watched a video called “Being Me” today. It is found on a website called Understood.com. This is a site that mostly addresses dyslexia, and other learning differences and informs and advocates for the rights of learners. I like to read in an effort to learn more so I can help my students who struggle most.
Sometimes I struggle with things…like racing thoughts, poor listening, distraction, lack of focus, and a heightened sense of self interest. And when given the choice, I prefer being creative rather than realistic, even in my relationships. I want a friend and the certain end of hot flashes.
I realize gratitude and Love is key, so I made a list of things that may help me feel happy and more at peace.
God’s Love is at the top of this list.
Hiking mixed with frequent stopping for being still with the quiet and beauty all around me.
Listening to the Coffee House or the Message on the radio.
Going on a self made adventure.
Doing something completely and utterly different than I would normally do.
Listening to some online preachers.
Looking at ART.
Sitting on the beach or a boat, or just being near audible flowing water.
Watching videos of laughing babies or frolicking puppies.
Listening to happy music.
Watching well written comedy.
Escaping to Nature.
Driving a scenic loop.
Getting and drinking coffee.
Singing along with Delanie and her ukelele
Taking a Melatonin or Benedryl and going to bed early.
Watching an episode of Miss Fisher murder detective on Netflix (in honor of Devon)
Learning yoga and deeply breathing
Washing dishes by hand.
Getting a massage.
Taking a long hot shower.
Pulling weeds in the cool of the morning.
Reading something lovely.
watching sprinklers spray, or cows graze.
Getting a massage.
Soaking feet in a cold tub of epson salt.
Lounging and reading in a hammock.
Being intimate with someone I love.
Listening as someone special reads to me.
Getting a foot rub.
Going to the reservoir with the dog.
Hey! Devon! What would your list be?
As I watched “Being Me” and the three teens who were spotlighted, I was moved to
compassion and awe at their ability to overcome and stay positive. These and
many teens are an inspiration to me. I am in awe of their humility,authenticity,
and strength that shines through the pain and brokenness. With Love and hope we
can help others on a path to overcome themselves and the world. I am grateful
for endless chances to keep trying.
Suni was here this afternoon and tonight. She and Clint have moved into their
home in Bountiful. She is getting very large with child. They like the name
Suni, Delanie, and I stretched out on the Select Number bed and enjoyed the
massage features while we laughed and watched the baby make waves on her belly.
It was fun.
I hope your week goes well, Sis.
I love you. I’m proud of you!
I will wish on a Sparkler for you.
Love, Mom 🙂