Yesterday I spent the day in the mountains. Love, love, love this! I got thinking…..
I don’t see as well as I use to see.
I want a Godly eye prescription so I can see GOOD…..ha ha….so I can see myself and others with my heart as I believe God sees all He has made. Perhaps if I had God’s Masterpiece by Design lenses, I would frame my life to be more mindful of others feelings? Perhaps I would be less callous and more kind in my responding to what Life gives. Perhaps then I would feel increased joy and desire to be deliberate in thinking and doing good? Dunno. These are things I think about when I become still and quiet in Nature and in His peace.
These days I am finding it more and more difficult to see the “fine print.” So I have scheduled an eye exam. I haven’t been to an eye doctor in fifteen years. I haven’t had the need as I’ve had perfect 20/20 vision my whole life and taken vision largely for granted. On the way to a favorite hiking spot, I saw this road sign. Ha ha….It had a special meaning for me and I thought I saw a bearded Jesus hidden in the zero. I thought if I had had a Sharpie I would have made the hair and beard a bit longer…more like I picture Jesus.
These days I am finding it difficult to read food labels, yellow pages, teacher edition lesson plans and some Bibles. This is all very freaky. As I think about it, I hear a friend’s voice saying, ” It’s called GETTING OLD.” I don’t like to think about or talk about this. I have heard so many aging people use “Old” as an excuse or a living death sentence.
This is likely why I get along so well with the crowing Peter Pan….I am a shadow of him in not wanting to grow up. I fight it. I pretend toward flight. I wonder so many things….like….maybe maturity, wisdom, and aging all mean different things. Maybe these are things I am not meant to understand….sort of like the mystery of the Divine. I am convinced that some things I may feel, but I may never understand.
Maybe if I eat more carrots, wear sunglasses more faithfully, wear makeup less, turn off the computer, and take vitamins…my eyesight will improve toward better. Maybe my eyes would not get old. Maybe I could trade in old eyes for wise eyes. Maybe none of this is in my control but just a means to teaching me something……like I am everything and nothing at the same time…..and that nothing is meant to last.
Eight months ago I had an unforeseen hysterectomy….and the years of fertility ended…ha ha…with the removal of the Easy Bake Oven. The night before the procedure I wrote a post in which I drafted a makeshift “Living Will.” I don’t think these things are typically worth the paper they are written on because the health industry does whatever they want to do with you. It’s like entering a “blessed” black hole…… The health care system takes on a life and power of its own once you enter that realm. Like many things….good and bad exist dicotomously in the health industry. I am grateful for the good it brings. Needless to say, my ridiculous writing served a purpose in being theraputic.
I noticed in my stats that someone read the Living Will piece today. I just reread this, and relived some of the emotions of that time frame. Back then I was compelled to feel humbled by my fears and was feeling powerless. Turned out things went well with the procedure and what followed was a welling up of gratitude along with a mixture of hormones, hotflashes and frequent crying. Thank God this all leveled off. I really thought I would be back to work “on Monday.” Boy was I wrong. The several weeks of rest and recovery away from school nearly did me in, but it was a good thing. I returned to work with new eyes and increased love in my heart for the blessings of Life and children.
One thing I learned in all of that was the value of slowing to rest and to recover strength and energy. This is likely a lesson I need to remember and heed over and over again, especially with respect to teaching and to exercising. Rather than running headlong toward a fast, fast, fast….or a future of more, more, more…..I need to slow down and through gratitude enjoy the present moment. I believe down time is not necessarily about self indulgence as much as it is about being kind to self and about self preserving in order to attempt doing the greatest good for others. Hard to keep the Big Picture perspective…..cuz I think I am often delusional in imagining what I want NOW….and I’m impatient along a time space continuum. I need to learn to breathe, relax and roll with things. I want to remember this when teaching asks for fast and furious.
Today I was gifted another beautiful sunrise and a wonderful Summer canvas. Routine begins to feel confortable, but instead of racing to kickboxing and a lapswim, I found myself turning around within a mile from home and making other plans. This was good. Had I not listened to that inner voice, I woud not have felt the love of the chickens and Boozer in doing morning chores. I would not have felt the satisfaction of a clean, orderly, pleasant kitchen. I wouldn’t have had time with my daughters as our breakfast paths crossed in their dash to summer jobs. I would not have felt or heard a whispering to call a sick friend and go visit her. Sometimes stopping traffic, or taking a detour is the best travel path.
Visiting the friend was good. She has thyroid cancer. She is scared to death, but tries to project as strong, stable, and busy…..as if pretending at “business as usual” will make the situation easier. I know this strategy. I used it the day I got the news about having a growth on my ovary. I spent ten minutes telling my family, tearing up, and then I drove directly to kickboxing and laid down one of the most difficult and amazing reducing workouts of my life. I felt better for a little while….until I went to bed and was surrounded by silence and darkness. In spite of prayer and knowing God loves me, the noise in my head and the fear in my heart would not go away. That’s when I began to appreciate those hours I WAS asleep.
My friend is afraid. Nothing I can say or do can save her from her own fears and insecurities. Only Jesus and the love of God can ease the pain, but I can abide, distract, and share my love and smile as I listen.
I think the visit was a good thing. Personally, I can use the practice in listening. I just wish she had done less talking, only because I don’t think talking was in her best interest. The incision site on her throat is red and sore and talking is counterproductive to her healing. However, telling my friend not to talk is like telling a fish (or mermaid) not to swim, or like telling me not to kickbox.
My friend is highly verbal. It’s in her DNA. Next time I stop by, I think we will make a deal though. I will take her for a talkless drive. We will listen to Christian Contemporary on Sirius radio…..or whatever she wants to listen to, and take in the mountain scenery. . Then when we arrive, we will spend some quiet time journaling the things (thinks) of our hearts and minds. I think she will go for my plan. The writing portion will be wonderful, considering we will be in the Fairy Woods, somewhere in the nearby mountains. Then we will decide if any amount of sharing our writing will occur.
So, yes…..but before my friend and I have our adventure, I will first visit the eye doctor and get his opinion on the state of my vision….ha ha. I’m certain no matter what the news is…….I will see it as GOOD. 🙂