I am walking down the tar chipped road. I am doing this with my seventeen-year-old daughter, who doesn’t have much to say because she is mad I “coerced” her into spending time with me. It was a kind of trade. I am taking in the beauty of pastoral, rural Utah life. Cows, meadows, hawks, trees, when she says,
“Micturating. You know, urinating.”
“No. I didn’t know. Nice word!”
“Well, yeah! Give me credit for something.” she adds with attitude.
“You have such a vast vocabulary. Nice!”
Roll of the eyes from Devon.
So that was an interesting experience, which brings me to the topic: Shower etiquette.
Do you think it is acceptable to urinate in the shower? Just wondering.
If I take the affirmative, you will think me the offender. You will see me as a base, disgusting person who talks about bodily functions, watches Duck Dynasty, and without a license, conducts minor exploratory dermatologic procedures. You might think I take things in hand. Like pulling off skin tags only to celebrate them like the deaths of bad habits. Some of you have read about this this. Sorry.
If I take the negative, I could say this: It is not appropriate to urinate in the shower, because there already exists an appliance called the toilet for this function. I could write this same sentence using half a dozen substitutes, euphemisms, and synonyms for toilet, and in the end it would all flush out the same. Nasty. Vulgar. Ahhhhh. Relief.
I could say it’s not lady-like. True it is more man-like, but then that would upset the one or two feminists that might just stumble across this ridiculous thing. I might say, it’s not okay because it is unsanitary. True but my shower is slightly more clean than my toilet, so when has sanitary ever prompted or prevented me from anything.
I have eaten things off a restaraunt floor when I’ve gone out to eat. It was Chef Jason’s Cafe’ at Park City Medical Center. The place is immaculate. Shuh? It’s a hospital. As a rule, I try to avoid bathrooms. And…. I would never, under any circumstance eat ANYTHING off of a bathroom floor. Besides, you have not seen my toilet! Good thing. I wouldn’t wish my bathroom on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. Also, I wouldn’t know who that is- my enemy. No one has come right out and told me. Maybe my family would say they are my enemy because of the way I treat them, or don’t. What I mean is, I don’t cook and clean much. I wrote a writer’s poem about this once.
I could say it’s not appropriate to pee in the shower, because it’s a bad example. Now, this is a really crazy arguement because I shower solo, friends! I lock the door. Maybe I shouldn’t shower solo. Then I could have someone with me to keep me in line. Of course, when my children were very small and we had only one bathroom upstairs, and a child safety gate guarded the top of the stairs, I did leave the bathroom door unlocked. And yes, maybe my children did venture in a time or two. But this would not have been a problem, BECAUSE back then, I DID NOT HAVE A SEE THROUGH shower curtain! It was solid, and colored, and either vinyl or fabric, and it would not have been an issue AT ALL! SEE?! Nobody saw.
Besides back then I was all about setting good examples. Not like today with teenagers. I don’t go out of my way to influence them. They can tell you all the bad things about me without any help from me. That’s why I let down my guard on setting anymore extra flagrant good/bad examples. And besides, what teenager would run the risk of seeing an old naked mom anyway. Ew?! They mostly choose to stay away. And my son is very safe. Far away from me in Italy. ha ha. I remember sometimes I would beat on the downstairs bathroom door (the boys shower) when my son was in there, just to tease him. Just to hear him yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!” I miss that. Sigh.
So here’s a question: If a tree falls in the forrest, does anyone hear it?
By the same token, If a person pees in the shower, does anyone know it?
I will not say one way or the other what my shower habits are. There are a number of poufs in a variety of blue scrubby foofa colors hanging on the facecloth hooks, and on the end of the towel warmer, and lying on the floor. They are not the kind used to scrub the tub, I’ll mind you. Back scrubbers. Christmas stocking stuffers. Mostly they are just decoration. Also, there is a certain yellow ring around the bottom of the tub, and on the hem of my gauzy white butterfly shower curtain. I have had this shower curtain for maybe five years, and I have washed it many times. Probably not enough though. That’s all I’ll say.
“So what are you writing tonight? Some crazy “Spawn of Twilight? Renesme Goes to School” sequel? asks Devon.
“Why do you ask?”
“Just so I can balk at something.”
“Okay. Here’s a question: Do you think it’s acceptable to micturate in the shower?”
“Hey! You’re using my word!”
“Ha ha! Well? Do you or not?! I’m trying to finish something here!”
“You’re gross. I can’t believe anyone reads anything you write.” And she’s gone.
Shutdown!! One moment it’s toilet seat down. The next it’s toilet seat up. I can’t win!
Maybe I’ll go clean my bathroom and feel better. 🙂