I am lower than the dirt in errosion and deposition. Lower than zero, zippo. Lower than intrusive igneous Granite…deep, nine mile canyon’s deposition down. Perhaps Mrs. C. saw a band of granite in the former spot while on her UEA trip. Most likely encountered rock art for Paul Heath. I don’t know what to say or do at a sit down with table cloth and table settings. It was on her trip. Maybe saw a red rock stone table instead. Not the beautiful counter top granite,,,,,,whoah….a smooth, grainy feel to us.//// a bragging variety these days. Just Micah, Quartz, and Feldspar. Garden Variety. I wouldn’t know this luxury. But I am reminded in a Reading Street story or Yosemite and El Capitan standing tall and strong against a clear blue California sky.
I imagine I am El Capitan, standing tall in perfect posture and beauty, readying for the vertical climb with Ascenders. This climb sure to be better than caving Spanish Moss Cave. Maybe as good as Gavin the Goat trek up the African Kilomanjara. Must feel my very best to summit this…..teaching position every day. Must find my smile and Mick Jagger confidence again. Must find things and people who can enable a better feeling, a change.
I am reminded of Yance and the swimmers. A happier thought. And that I missed swim team today. Not like me to blow off a favorite. But today was a difficult day. I did not sleep one bit last night. Had never done this stupid thing in my whole life….not even in college at TLC in cramming for tests. Not even at the Love Shack.
Today…..I was the personificaton of…..The Zero Property of Multiplication! This rule says, ” Any number multiplied by nothing, equals nothing. Hmm. I am fuzzy now about the division rule. I think this is the one I have lived today as well, in playing the role of zombie in Day of the Living Zombie Teacher. Repeated subtraction of sleep last night. Repeated subtraction of cognitive waking and reasoning today. Kind of strange though. Still able to pull this off in being “Creative” and in picking up the pace to more “perky” according to Anita Archer.
I can tell the kids can tell that something is wrong with me. I am not my usual beaming, positive, smiley self. I think they miss “me.” I am sure it does/will affect the quality of teaching as well as the atmosphere and energy of the classroom, as well as the domino effect of student behavior. This all puts everyone on edge. This needs to end…..soon. It is not a responsible decision. This in return and aimed at me from a place of hurt, and ego and desparacy for control, and I suspect fear. This is all sooooo crazy…. because I wouldn’t doubt that i am experiencing these same emotions on some sublimenal level. Emotions of anger, pain, and shame all resonating so very low and damaging on the energy scale. How can anything better come of this? Only God knows these things. What of the Golden Rule and Fiilling buckets. No longer reserved for me.
In premeditating punishment, and revenge and seeing it through will certainly…..in time….. return negitivity to the deliverer. In time. This is the law of Negativity. Love returns love. Lack of love returns a lack of love…when men’s hearts waxed cold. This is not what our school needs, I think.
But what do I know. I know how it feels and how it is making me and kids feel. After all, I caused it. Maybe it will be up to me to solve it. Understand. Make a Plan. Solve it. Check it. This is the rap we say in class. Maybe it will work on this negativity. This mess has changed the tone of emails and I suspect the weekly Wednesday meeting.
And I can thank my sorry self for this. But….not only me. Credit where it is due. I never meant to deal this harm. I feel like Jessie Pinkman or Walt on a Breaking Bad in the Workplace episode. I wish there was a Webinar Audio Slideshow from the State of Utah teaching Sage Wisdom in “How to Make Things Better.” Maybe a Hawaian Template or stimulus prompt to respond to in writing about Forgiveness.
This is bigger than I ever thought possible. I have been reckless indeed. Can see the power of “ONE” in this. ONE person can be an agent for much good…….or much bad. We are learning a hard lesson in my poor judgement and stupid word choice. How to make things better. Don’t think the answer lies in making things worse. I am broken. When is enough, enough? What is wanted, or required of me. A pound of flesh? I wish someone would please tell me, because this equation is playing out in expanded form. Growing, bigger, and bigger and uglier….like a raging, muddy, stick monster of a flash flood I saw on Youtube: Negativity. This solitary mind racing is not productive. Need to talk this through somehow. Perhaps in finding a forum with a moderator unlike the first one.
Before….My voice was squelched. And now for the mute button. In compliance with directives. This is not the American Experience I think. But I will take it. I can recognize another Yellow Star. I really thought I knew you better than this. Perhaps I was wrong in thinking so highly. I want to believe that a lover of hearts would remember whose heart is being held in administering breathless CPR…..no talk……and in giving compressions. Truth is… The doctor in the end treats himself. I beg, please don’t crack ribs. Side effects are just as dangerous as the heart attack.
Lack of Sleep is seriously scary. Drowsy driving the result. In taking Pearl to American Fork tonight for her power washer hosedown removal of cow pies, and installment of black tarry undercovering spray on. Is it Center Street?! The one that runs from Orem, red threading through common multiples of “HI.” and “Your invited, and included in my circle of rush houring past the most awesome Macy’s with the soft serve Ice cream….Fell asleep in dozing through a red light that in a few minutes turned green. When I awoke the trafic had left a space much like the ones allowed for > < or =…….and this really freaked me out!
Woke up to find a space bar working over time, and Mark down the road nearly lost to me. I am surprised I did not wreck my Pearl or kill myself. Wow! Here again is God and Jesus rescueing me and reminding that I am Not Alone. NO….not at all. There is a long line of traffic wondering why my Pearl is not moving, or if I have had a medical emergency in my slumping.
One gawker likely thought to call 911 in seeing me barely concious, nearly stopped and got out of his car. Proof that people do care from a loving place, or maybe just curious one. Care like Amberly. Enough for all my pond friends to notice in laps that looked more like active drowning, and stroke gaspings, and soggy Thank You energy cards on the black line on the bottom of the pool.
This energy reminds me of the sun on Deer Creek Reservoir. Stunning. The meeting of Spirit and Body. A good feeling. Please hold a space. Create a wait time, and presence for this joyous moment….zoom! This pleasantry interrupts my sobbings.
If I didn’t know better…..I have entered the house, I entered into a setting of complaint. Not used to this old hat. Uncomfortable. Wonder if the word “uncomfortable” is like the word “interesting.” Adaptive, and non-descript BY CHOICE. Wow! Wish I could have seen/heard the band yesterday. Substitute with The Message on Sirius Radio, and Pandora’s Christ Tomlin’s stuff.
Time to wash hands and line up…or so it seems…wrong…5 p.m….or better yet, Time to go to bed and get > GREATER THAN last night’s sleep relationships. Thank you so much everyone and Marilla :0)M For some reason…..I imagine Aunt Marrila in a rock garden……smilling. Like the smile I will have on my face in ……..
DREAM STATE. ha ha:-)
This would be more fun if I were more awake 🙂 and “Everythings better when….I’m with you.”
Woah! Just had a freaky remaking of the waking at the traffic light, in realizing that…”I got my wish! The genie says, “Your wish is my command” in feeling stiff and sore quads. Yes! I can barely walk without falling over at the pool this morning. Again now in reaching into the refrigerator door for a Dark Snickers Bar, that tastes a lot like the cold version of a hot, soothing cup of Mistro coffee from Starbucks. Ahhhh. I have decended to Hell…..in eating candy bars and drinking coffee. And then again I did survive another day in Plato’s Cave. Must see light tomorrow.