A Sensative Subject & Phallacies

AWAITING FIRE WORKS by Heidi Robertson 7/4/2013

 Image

 

There’s been a ban on fireworks in Summit County

The warden’s claiming “Fire danger”

Put out the warning

but what of all the rain we’ve had?

Hey, I’m not buying it…..bottle rockets, Roman candles

Everywhere in grocery stores on roadside stands

Name brands

I fear the 4th will prove ultra boring.

 

Anyway, how’d they know about the lousy shows

Last summer and the year before, two in a row….

Calculated, still producing duds, Tie-dyed colors blown

Our pyrotechnics were precisely in a row

but sadly lacking

Lost their firecracking

Anticlimacting

 

 

I feel I can’t wait anymore for things to work

A woman needs a man and more and more…. she needs fireworks

Went out to play…. Came home again black and blue

When all the other kids were dining and deserting

I was bruised and crying

 

The bully’s called Peyronie

He really throws a curve

And when he’s up to bat, line drive’s to third

but mostly fouls and rarely makes it home.

No score. He’s lost the zone.

 

So my legal lawful toy is broken and

I think I don’t deserve this rubber bat……

Libido doesn’t know just what to say to that

Lies silent.

 

Okay,

Pray, make a plan….

There’s a sale at ToysRUs today

and I am open to extreme couponing.

Shop, but item’s OUT OF STOCK!

Curl in a sweaty ball just wanting him off

 

Wish he could go straight from work

from Dick’s…… Sporting the goods.

Want it like it used to be when the sex was…

well…

GOOD!

 

Should have put US first

before I chose career and kids

I’m forever learning how not to fear

Instead

 

Back pedaling in don’t ask, don’t telling

Poetic justice

that you still enjoy what I once did but shouldn’t have.

Now I’m annoyed…..you’re dangling promises of hits and runs

but cant’ deploy and me the loser.

 

Snoozer.

I choose to lay by quietly

to understand denyingly,

I push rewind to foreplay’s wet excitement

heat up until my crock pot’s been ignited

in finale

Yes! Sometimes his isn’t so bad after all.

 

But in my mind a turtle race,

and I feel banned from these high places,

More and more…..Acrophobia,

Left lone to wander dreary temple grounds

hide and seeking, over sleeping

no fun in keeping covenants these days

 

With Grandma gone instead of me

I Wonder if with her, he’d been much happier

at least she believed, cooked and cleaned

I think that he may still be grieving that loss

and so I toss and turn

 

And in the name of Mother-in-laws

and homemade applesauce

I’m Sorry I’m so lazy and so bosy

Now you’re without your mom and lover too.

It’s not my fault she fell….

I fell for you

 

You the rescuer,

Who would think a broken arm would bring an end to

Everything before this pre DICK ament!

everything we might have been

 

I’d like to think we’re bent, not broken

We’re more than this thing is

but since she’s been gone, reduced to something less than friends

Seldom kissing, not missing conversation

beginning and ending, wondering goodnights

Thank God no fights

 

Me, always more comfortable with men than I should be

defending enmity toward women

stupidly obtaining and maintaining outside looks

and games of conquest or denial

All the while to satisfy my pride

All the time trying to keep the smile for vows and rules alive

while….

 

I miss the tools

and on the side I keep a Mister and a memory of him in my mind

from time to time I see my second family

Pooling assets in bluebonnet country style

Lapping up youth like a happy labrador

Believing less is more.

A lie this time.

 

Truth is, this year for Mother’s Day

I didn’t ask for gifts and nothing much was given

Next year I’m asking for a concubine.

Reversed poligamy and I’m not fibbing!

Fine! I need someone for making love

to feel desired, the envy of

And my ego’s…ready to pay someone named Ronie.

 

Again in this I sin…

Coveting a husband like my high school friend’s

not twelve years older, twelve below her

in spite of being on top

a newer knower, improved lover

a goer!

 

G**! I’ll show her!

I play with notions of my college past

Think of all the questions that I might have asked but didn’t…

nearly thirty years worth

 

Surf

to see his face, an open book

tired and retired, but still the same

the pilot light aflame

Funny, I almost hear you call my name

In early mornings steal into my dreams

and leave me pleading more

Click away and back again

caught in the Inter- net and friending

 

These wrongful wants are dashed as you too have moved on

put me behind a younger wife

And now two girls somewhat like my own

They have my nose but not my quincinera

It isn’t fair you know…..it might have been us

Posting pictures

 

Just goes to show the Phoenix rises from the ashes

I’ve learned more in the heartbreak than diplomas

True, I have the memories……. but Chapter’s closed….

 

You haven’t called my name for years

At least I haven’t heard it

We never met, or phoned or facebooked

And yet sometimes I think I’d love to see you, read you

And you read me

criticing what I’ve written, publishing and loving me

Again and again

 

Fear I might be smitten

You’re written on my heart

I must not let this happen

Can’t start to let this happen with children and these trappings

It’s not so easy preventing making love

and pulling out might be difficult because

I somehow feel that you would make exceptions

just as before

 

I cannot take this drug this time

Concealing weapons pack a 45

the conejitos softly stroke my mind and hop away

forsaking teamo para siempre

But I cannot shoot them. Rebox the blanks.

 

So many times I thought your face, tu verga

your YOU inside of me and calling out your name

expressively in climax

 

Sometimes ashamed and sometimes not so much

I realize I’ve forged hell chains with thoughts of such

Still carry these with me

along with broken toys, and not-so- little boys,

and noise inside my head, and empty beds

the sins build up

 

much like a yeasty urinal 

can’t be forgotten….and the smell, G**!

The ring won’t go away unles you clean it

Disinfect and bleach it.

 

I’m sorry Mark

Check the chart “Needs cleaning” and leave the scene

 

Still believing that fireworks will come

Though few and far between………

I think on love and on abundance

Sometimes the rockets do explode and I am grateful for the pinks and greens and golds……

and wedding rings

Finales!

 

……………………………..Awaiting fireworks

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About hrobertson2013

“Each man ( and mermaid) will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land”. Isa 32:2 NIV Warning: The author of this blog is not an ordinary individual. Even Mermaids need a rest from all that's real and grown up. Welcome to the wonder of blog. Come be audience to all that's wet and wild in her stories, poems and thoughts. Instructor by day, super hero by night, and mystical mermaid by summer. Whenever she has the fortune of diving into a pond, reservoir, or mountain waterfall, you'll find her there swimming, and singing songs of life.
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